You asked, we’re answering! 🧸
Q: A facilitator reached out for support recently with the following question – “I had a cis woman participant express her feeling it should be policy that any person experiencing an erection should be responsible to move away from a cuddling partner. She also feels this is so important that it should be stated in the Welcome Circle.”
A: “Erections are a natural body reaction, so we do not shame penis owners for something that naturally may occur when they are feeling good in their body.
If the participant is uncomfortable about the possibility of feeling an erection, she can communicate that discomfort to her partner in advance or in the moment it happens. She can set her own boundaries in advance to not be close enough to that part of her partner’s anatomy to feel it, if it should happen.
She has the power to set her own boundary to ensure the thing she fears will not happen to her. She can be the big spoon cuddling from the back, she can cuddle only in the top half, with separation between the bottom halves, or always make sure to have a pillow between them. She can lay her head on her partner’s chest at a right angle. There are many options.
We will not police erections. Cuddle Party is a platonic sex positive space.
That said, any time she is uncomfortable with any aspect, she needs to communicate that to her partner and also to her facilitator if she would like assistance on a case by case basis in the moment. The agreement we ask for is that the sexual energy is not sought out and not furthered if it happens.
The further agreement we ask is that if you are uncomfortable, you will communicate that, and your partner will respect your true answer and your boundaries. If these agreements are broken, it is time for the facilitator to step in to re-establish the structure.
If it were me, I would let her know that I have never felt my partner’s erection unless they wanted me to feel it by rubbing against me. At which point they are breaking the agreement and seeking further sexual energy. Their actions may be outside of the agreements, but their natural body reaction is not. I have been told by multiple partners after the fact that they had experienced a calm erection and I had no idea. If you as the facilitator have any personal experience that may relate in cuddling with penis owners in your community and feeling safe, that may help her.
The bottom line is to give her tools and help establish self-confidence to hold her own boundaries and ensure safety herself as she wants something beyond the container we set up.”
— Mary Sorensen, Cuddle Party’s Executive Director
📩 Have a question? Send it to: community@cuddleparty.org